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Archive for April, 2009

Life is busy.  It is too busy for me to post regularly.  I hate it, I feel guilty about it, but it is what it is.  Im posting now!

 Our cruise was amazing.  So much fun! It was a little challenging with the baby, he got bored of either being in a stroller or high chair, but there was not really a good place for him to just be.  He has so much freedom at the house because it is so child proofed, but on the ship it wasnt that way.  But he was a very good boy and so patient for all of it.  We had a wonderful sitter come in every night at 7:30 to take care of him and she had him asleep in her arms within an hour usually.  It gave Chris and I some time to be together and have a drink and catch the shows and stuff.  Some nice time away.

Getting back home life was waiting tho!  Nothing like jumping right back into it.  Dylan was with Alison for the week and we brought him home Sunday night.  Well when Chris put him to bed he forgot to put a t-shirt on over his long zipped jammies, and Dylan had a nice big surprise for me when I went to get him up Monday morning.  He stripped his pajamas off, shit, and covered himself and his bed in it.  This is the 2nd time he has done this (hence the t-shirt over his jammies that is supposed to be put on him everynight) and I really hate it.  I mean this puts me in the absolute worst mood you could imagine.  So in the shower he goes, scrub scrub, oh the joys of taking care of a mentally retarded teenager.  Where do I resign???

I am actually going to be brutally honest with you right now – I am starting therapy this Friday to deal with some repressed issues I have with Dylan and taking care of him.  I have been the only one doing shit  primary care giver of him for almost 9 years now and to be quite honest I do it without a lot of appreciation and thank you’s.  From the mom I mostly get “you are not his mother” which has gotten much better but still there is a lot of why do you do that he is the way he is stop trying this and that.  Dylan will never know what I do for him, will never appreciate it, will never thank me, and in fact the more one does for Dylan the more they have to do because he gets used to it and then requires it or has a tantrum the size of an egyptian pyramid.  Chris is on the side lines letting me make decisions and choices, but the annoying and non-supportive thing he does is not follow the plan.  Dylan has certain rules he must abide by until daddy gets home then Dylan rules the roost because I am done arguing with Chris about why he is wrong so I just let those 2 do whatever they do, which Dylan knows.  So he will follow the rules until Chris walks through the door at which time he breaks each rule while looking for me and saying “woo hoo look at me” – yes lovely parenting but as they say you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.    So between the belittling from the mother, the non-compliance from the father, and the stagnation of progress from the child, this step mother says give me some therapy or I might lose it!

It’s lovely to be a step mother, I do enjoy it.  I am in the odd position of having a husband who is a custodial parent, and also in the position of being a one income family where I am the stay at home mom, which makes me the stay at home mom of my step kids.  This is probably another post entirely, but basically if step mothers are the evil hated creatures of the fairy tales, imagine the stay at home step mother.  The one who gives out chores, makes sure homework gets done, referees fights, hands out punishments, enforces rules, you know, the REALLY popular and very liked parent!  HA!  I think I love my step kids about as much as a step parent can.  I treat them just as I do my own kids, and that is the absolute and honest truth.  That is good and bad.  They get lots of love, hugs and kisses, things bought for them, I attend every conference, event, sports game, etc., but I also get mad, punish, ground, give chores to, etc.  I do treat them the same.

That does not mean I love them the same.  I had a conversation with their mother a couple months ago about one of my stepsons and she wanted to be clear that he did not love me as much as he loved her.  Yes, I know.  And I am ok with that.  I told her what I told him – that I don’t WANT him to love me more than he loves his mother.  The truth is, I know what it is like, because not only is he a stepchild, I am a step mother.  I actually have my own biological kids just like he has a biological mother.  And truth be told, if it is ugly then that’s life, I love my own kids differently than I love my step kids, just as my step kids love their own mother differently than they love me.  And if my stepson had to choose to spend the day with me or with his real mom, I would hope he chooses his real mom.  Just as if I had the choice to spend the day with my step son it my real son, I’d choose my real son.  There is that bond there, that comfortablness, that thing that parents and kids have.  I have it as much as one can with kids who are not theirs. 

This isn’t something I would ever tell my stepsons, and I don’t think it really matters.  It certainly doesn’t change how I treat them.  But it just means that I do know how it feels, how they feel.  I am human.  And too many step mothers don’t have a voice of someone to speak for them and tell them that it is ok to feel that way.  To look at your step kids sometimes and think to yourself “God I wish you lived with your mom right now” just like they think to themselves “God I wish I lived with my mom right now.”  It is ok ladies!  Sometimes I really do wonder what my life might be like if my step sons had lived with their mom all these years.  But my husband wanted his kids, and his ex wife didn’t or couldn’t, so I got them.  I wouldn’t change it for the world, but sometimes I wonder.  It reminds me of that old Wynonna Judd song:

Is there life out there
So much she hasn’t done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She does what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn’t want to leave
She just wonders
Is there life out there

Being a step mom is probably the hardest job in the world.  It is hard because you don’t know your place, and you give so much of yourself to kids who, if something ever happened to your husband, you would never see again.  For me, it is doubly hard, because I am their primary care giver AND I have a step son like Dylan who is severly mentally retarded and had severe behavior issues. 

Ok.  That was on my mind today and I guess I needed to write about it.  Therapy should be fun and I will try to let you know how it goes.  I have never in my 32 years gone to any kind of therapy ever so we’ll see if I like it.  I liked the lady, and I think it will be a nice relief to get some things off of my chest that have been there festering for quite some time.

Comments are welcome if anyone wants to talk about it.

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Talky talky!!!

Ashton is really talking these days!!  This is the new thing I think he is focusing on.  He has got the walking down like a champ – I swear he will be running in the next week or two!  So now all he does is talk, talk, talk.  He jabbers a lot like he is actually telling you stuff and conversing, but he is saying a bunch of words as well and repeating things we say.  So for posperity I want to get down here the words he is saying as of now (11 months 3, 2 weeks ,3 days old.  He says:

Momma
Dadda
Ball
This
Doggy
Uh Oh
Sissy
Buh-buh (brother)
Bite
More
Diaper
Bat

He is also signing for milk, all done (or all gone), more, and blowing kisses.  He also gives kisses, and abolutly LOVES other babies!  Yesterday we were in the waiting room of Dylan’s nerologist and he climbed into, yes, into, another baby’s car seat.  That baby was 14 months old and not walking or saying any words.  Ash could not get enough of her.  he would climb into the seat on top of the girl and give her kisses.  I got video of it if only I could figure out how to tramsfer vidoes here.  Maybe tomorrow.

It absolutly boggles my mind how amazingly fast the time is going!

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